“How could I have let C.D. down?”
“What am I going to say to our families? We had just gotten them so excited for a new grandchild/niece or nephew?!”
“What is wrong with me? Did I do something to cause this? What could I have done differently?”
“Does God not want me to be a mother? What if I never become a mother?!”
“Why would God do this to me?”
The moment we lost our first child, a million questions flooded me.
I was born and raised a Catholic. In my teenage years, going to church and confiding in God fell to the wayside to weekend work and sporting events. And, let’s be honest, pure laziness was a major contributor to getting my butt up and over to church. Despite my slowing connection to the church, I was raised to believe, and DO believe, that God works in mysterious ways. It’s my belief that he’s always present in our lives, whether we take a moment to recognize his work or not.
The moment my child’s soul left this Earth was the moment I truly felt God’s presence in my life despite the fact that I was heartbroken that the child I’d prayed for was taken too soon. I felt connected to my faith in a way that I had never known. After grieving, I gave myself time to REALLY see how much beauty surrounded me.
Because of his blessings, I was journeying through life with my best friend and soulmate. He was my rock in helping me grieve and encouraging me to find positivity. He lifted me out of the deepest despair and helped me to open my eyes to the many opportunities our paths could take us despite the setback in my plans.
Because of his blessings, I was surrounded by the most compassionate and caring family and friends. Despite living in Houston, many wanted to fly down just to comfort us. They were willing to sacrifice their vacation hours and budgets to be with us in our time of loss.
Because of his blessings, I realized that pregnancy was possible for us. While our baby did not have the support it needed to thrive during that pregnancy, I was capable of conceiving.
And through his blessings, I was guided to a new, supportive and compassionate OB-GYN, who not only gave me the encouragement I needed to see how special and unique every pregnancy is but was a man who understood my fears and anxieties and accepted my calls/visits despite not having scheduled appointments. I’m sure I bugged the ever living daylights out of him, but he never once sounded annoyed and always greeted me with a big hug.
Finally, through the miracle of life, I not only conceived my beautiful Evan sooner than we had prayed for, but she bounced into this life full of joy, full of vigor and full of LIFE. She is a true reflection of the beauty that is life. She makes me feel whole.
In the past year alone too many of my dearest friends and former coworkers/peers have experienced their own losses. With each pregnancy loss update I’ve been privy to, my heart breaks. I feel their pain stinging and know the questions flooding their mind. I know the self-imposed guilt they have and want so badly for them to know it was out of their hands.
I’m encouraged to continue to connect with my faith and to pray for them. To pray for their families, for their hopes and for their dreams. My prayers always start with the hope that they are able to accept the path God had for them like we were and to understand that wonderful plans may lie ahead that they couldn’t even imagine.
So, while it’s earlier than most choose to announce, I’m happy to be able to share that C.D. and I are carrying another one of God’s beautiful miracles, due to arrive around my birthday later this year (we’ll very soon be eight weeks). After experiencing loss and knowing it’s always a possibility that we cannot foresee, I want to celebrate every moment I get with this child. I want it to be known that having them, even if it’s only for a short time, is a blessing.
Our first appointment is this coming Friday, so my prayers this week are for a positive first peek at our little angel with a strong heartbeat. We appreciate all prayers of support from our friends and family, and we’ll be sure to keep everyone up-to-date on our little one’s progress.
C + K + E + Bambino/a Longo
A PRAYER FOR MOTHERS
Lord, you have searched me and known me.
Where can I go from your spirit?
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from far away.
You search out my path and my lying down,
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
O Lord, you know it completely.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is so high that I cannot attain it.
Or where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
If I take the winds of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me fast.
If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,’
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day,
for darkness is as light to you. For it was you who formed my inward parts;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
all the days that were formed for me,
when none of them as yet existed.
How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
I try to count them – they are more than the sand;
I come to the end – I am still with you. (Psalm 139: 1-18)